Look For Me In Rainbows
by AllySophie
Summary: One night, Kurt and Blaine make an important decision. It's unconventional, but has there ever been a time when they were a conventional couple? A story about loss, grief and reunion.


_Look For Me In Rainbows_

_Time for me to go now, I won't say goodbye;_

_Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky._

_In the morning sunrise when all the world is new,_

_Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you._

_Time for me to leave you, I won't say goodbye;_

_Look for me in rainbows, high up in the sky._

_In the evening sunset, when all the world is through,_

_Just look for me and love me, and I'll be close to you._

_It won't be forever, the day will come and then_

_My loving arms will hold you, when we meet again._

_Time for us to part now, we won't say goodbye;_

_Look for me in rainbows, shining in the sky._

_Every waking moment, and all your whole life through_

_Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you._

_Just wish me to be near you,_

_And I'll be there with you._

_Music and lyrics: Conn Bernard (1990)_

~oOo~

They talk about it for the first time when his father dies, right at the beginning of his freshman year at NYU.

"I don't want this for me."

"Nobody wants this, Blaine."

He turns his head to lock eyes with Kurt, who is sprawled out next to him on his old bed in the far too quiet house.

"No, I mean I don't want to be buried in the earth."

His eyes are watching him closely, wide and honest and a little wet, and at first, Kurt doesn't reply because this is something he never wants to think about when it comes to Blaine, not now, not in five years, not ever.

"There are other ways," he finally tells him, his voice slightly breaking at the end with the weight of what they are talking about and he reaches for Blaine's hand to ground both of them in the here and now.

"I know," Blaine replies into the darkness.

~oOo~

They get married in June, a month after Blaine's law school graduation, still so, so in love after all this time, surrounded by their families and friends in a place with the most spectacular view over the Hudson River, and when they share their first dance as newlyweds under the stars, which you can actually see although the big city with all its neon lights is spread out all around them, Kurt knows that this is it, this is forever.

_Til death do us part_, he thinks and closes his eyes.

~oOo~

Two years into their marriage, they finally have both the money and the time to go on their honeymoon, and after long discussions about the pros and cons of various places all over the planet, they end up in Iceland, in the middle of summer, when the sun never truly sets. On the last day, they are standing hand in hand on a platform, looking down into the raging waters of the Gullfoss waterfall. It's close to midnight, but the sun, still hanging low above the horizon, bathes the scenery in the most beautiful golden light they've ever seen, gentle but powerful at once, and it's so overwhelming that Kurt wants to cry.

A rainbow appears on the opposite side of the cliffs and Blaine turns his head slightly to look at his husband, whose delicate features are glowing in the golden beams of the midnight sun.

"I want to stay here forever with you," he says quietly, and Kurt nods because there's nothing he could possibly want more.

~oOo~

On the evening of their five year wedding anniversary, he's searching the closets in their room for his favorite tie, which happens to disappear frequently and re-appear in the most remote places, when he finds the envelope, small and inconspicuous, at the bottom of Blaine's sock drawer.

He doesn't mean to intrude, but his curiosity takes over, and the next moment, he's holding it in his hands, testing the weight. It's light, too light to hold more than one piece of paper. He turns it around and sees the words on the front, written in his husband's elaborate penmanship.

_Last Will of Blaine Hummel-Anderson_

It's not sealed, he can see, but he cannot bring himself to open something that was so obviously hidden, so he takes a long time standing in front of the drawer, turning it over and over in his hands, probing his conscience for a justification to allow an intrusion of this extent.

In the end, he puts it back unopened, with a resolution formed in his mind.

He finds his tie, gets dressed, and they spend the evening over pasta and red wine in their favorite Italian restaurant, sharing memories and laughing until they are both full to the brim and pleasantly tipsy. When they get home, they fall into each other the moment the front door is closed, and then there's nothing but _'I love you I love you I love you_', the sound of broken moans and of skin against skin in the otherwise quiet apartment for the rest of the night.

Kurt wakes to the beams of the early morning sun and his husband snoring quietly next to him, and he slips out of bed, walks into the study and starts writing.

Blaine finds the envelope on the kitchen counter when he returns from the office that night, bright red and out there in the open for everyone to see. He turns it over to read what is written on the front in Kurt's artfully curved handwriting.

_Last Will of Kurt Hummel-Anderson_

Kurt is preparing the table for dinner when he hears his husband in the other room. He takes his time, adjusting the plates and the cutlery to perfection, until he makes his way back to the kitchen to find Blaine with the envelope in his hands.

"What's this, Kurt?"

"Isn't it obvious? I made a last will."

"Shouldn't we talk about something like this first?"

"You'd think."

They sit down on their bed that night, legs crossed under them and their knees touching, and Kurt is briefly reminded of the countless nights they spent together in either Kurt's or Blaine's dorm at Dalton, young and in love and only living in the moment, because the future was still so far away.

Except that it's different now.

He pulls himself out of the memory and they spend the night talking, exploring a subject that can be so easily pushed aside and ignored until it's too late and there's nobody left to talk to.

They start off quietly, explaining why and how and where to each other in hushed voices until Kurt starts humming "Look For Me in Rainbows" and Blaine joins because it fits, and when the sun rises the next morning, Blaine has the final version of a document titled "Last Will of Kurt and Blaine Hummel-Anderson" saved on his notebook, ready for printing and signing.

~oOo~

Two days after Blaine's 35th birthday, Kurt is on his way to pick up their 4-year-old daughter from kindergarten when his cell phone rings. Slightly annoyed, he pulls over because he has forgotten to connect his phone to the car's bluetooth network which would have allowed him to keep driving, and answers the incoming call at the side of the road.

He is on his knees next to the car five minutes later, emptying the contents of his stomach onto the grass until there is nothing left to get rid of and he gets up, sobbing and struggling for air, his legs threatening to give out under the weight of his body. He sits down in the passenger seat and dials the familiar number, hands shaking violently as he tries to hold on to the phone.

"Dad?" His voice breaks and he swallows hard. "There has been an accident."

When he takes their daughter to bed that night, she looks at him questioningly, and he has to bite his lower lip to stop himself from breaking down again right then and there, because she's all Blaine, bright hazel eyes and unruly curls and so full of life.

"Daddy?" She is already half asleep. "When is Papa coming home?"

Kurt lies down on the bed next to their daughter, who settles in his arms with her head across his chest. "Papa isn't coming home anymore, sweetheart."

"Why?"

He swallows hard because he isn't prepared to have this conversation, yet. It's still too fresh and raw, and he hasn't had a minute of reflection all day.

"He was hurt very badly and died, honey."

But their daughter, who's still so, so young, is persistent despite her exhaustion.

"Where is Papa now?"

For a split second, he wishes he believed in God and heaven and angels, but he doesn't, so he tells her, "He's in the most beautiful place you can imagine, honey."

"Then he's in a rainbow," she murmurs and her tiny body relaxes in his arms as she starts to drift off.

He smiles at this and for a second, he's pretty sure he can hear Blaine laughing because she is so undeniably _their_ daughter, so he sings her to sleep with "Look For Me In Rainbows" and waits until her breathing has evened out before he finally allows himself to cry, tightening his arms around Elizabeth's sleeping form and burying his nose in her thick, dark curls.

~oOo~

Their families and friends gather at the Hummel-Anderson house one week later, coming with suitcases and bags of all sizes and effectively blocking every hallway of the house.

Kurt lets his gaze wander across the people who have flown in from all over the country, in Wesley's case from all over the world because he is currently living in Australia. They are sitting on the sofa, on chairs, on stools and on pillows on the floor, talking quietly to each other until the horns of several cars outside announce that it's time to leave. While the others are boarding the cabs that are going to take them to JFK, Carole, Burt, Mrs. Anderson, Cooper and Finn and Rachel each take one of the small jewelry boxes that Kurt has been holding on to until the last possible minute, placing them safely in their suitcases.

They leave the house with Elizabeth, and suddenly, Kurt is all alone for the first time since the accident. He curls his fingers around the last of the small boxes, caressing the smooth surface carefully, almost tenderly, and he feels the shift right then and there.

_Til death do us part_, he thinks and closes his eyes. _We're taking you home, love_.

The journey is quiet and uneventful, besides one moment of anxiety when Burt's suitcase is randomly searched and the airport security officer asks him to open the little box, but they explain to him that Elizabeth wanted to take some earth with her to see if it looks the same where they are going, and the officer lets them go.

They arrive on the small platform facing the giant waterfall at sunrise.

It's still early in the year, but the shy beams of the early February sun are bathing the scenery in the same golden glow as before, embracing earth, water and sky and fusing the three elements into one infinite ocean of light.

He feels his father's presence, strong and secure by his side, Burt's hand placed on the small of his back, holding him in place, and he takes a couple of deep breaths to prepare himself for the inevitable. When he turns his head, he sees their families and friends huddled together, filling the small platform and all the paths leading to it. They are next to him, behind him, all around him - _them_ - and he is surprised that he suddenly feels a lot less alone in his pain. He blinks, once, twice against the golden beams of the morning sun and when he feels all eyes on him, he turns his head to face the waterfall again and nods. It's time.

They step towards the edge, one by one, opening the small boxes to release Blaine's ashes into the golden waters below. Mrs. Anderson's hands are trembling so hard that Burt has to open the box for her, and they pour its contents into the waterfall together, Burt and Carole each holding on to one of her arms.

When Kurt finally steps forward, he closes his eyes and listens to the sounds of the water passing through the ancient rocks, slowly at first, but getting faster and faster on its way towards the edge, impatient and relentless, before falling deep into the dark basin below, and for a split second, he can feel the pull in his veins, the urge to let go and fall and leave everything behind.

But as he opens his eyes to the gentle beams of the Icelandic sun, Elizabeth's hand is in his, solid and warm, and he knows that this is where he belongs. He remembers his father holding his hand at his mother's funeral, remembers how much that simple touch had meant to him, and he squeezes their daughter's hand gently, reassuringly, as he releases the remains of his husband's body into the ancient waterfall.

Elizabeth laughs and points towards a small rainbow that has appeared where the last parts of Blaine's ashes have just vanished in the rushing waters below. "Look, Daddy! Papa is here."

"Yes, sweetheart. Papa's home now." He wipes the tears off his cheeks and smiles as Rachel starts singing,

_Time for me to go now, I won't say goodbye;_

_Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky._

_In the morning sunrise when all the world is new,_

_Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you._

~oOo~

They visit Blaine every year during the months of the midnight sun, sometimes together, sometimes apart.

It's particularly hard during the first year, when everything is still so fresh and overwhelmingly painful, and Kurt frequently cries himself to sleep in the dead of night, wrapped up in one of his husband's shirts, inhaling his scent until it has vanished before replacing it with a new one. It's around the day of Blaine's funeral the following year when he runs out of things that carry his smell, and when Kurt stands on the little platform facing the giant waterfall for the first time all alone, he screams for Blaine to come back to him against the deafening sound of the raging waters until he's hoarse and shaken and certain he's never going to feel whole again.

The next time, he's with Elizabeth, and he decides that this was probably the best idea he's had in a long time, because their daughter - with the simple happiness and ease of a child - is holding his hand in a firm grip while jumping up and down excitedly with every rainbow she spots, and this really makes everything so, so much more bearable. When they have to leave, he waves at the waterfall along with Elizabeth. "We'll see you soon, love."

There comes a time when Kurt hesitates, because after ten years alone, he has finally found someone, and he's afraid visiting Blaine might feel like saying goodbye, but when he wakes up one morning in early June to packed suitcases and James with their passports and two tickets to Iceland in his hand, he can't bring himself to say no. "Kurt, we both know you're never saying goodbye to him, and I don't want you to," James tells him. "But I'd really like to say hello." Twelve hours later, they are standing on the small platform facing the giant waterfall, James's hand securely in his. "I'd like you to meet someone, love."

Elizabeth gets married in Iceland under the golden beams of the midnight sun, and as he is walking her down the aisle of the small church near the raging waters, Kurt can feel Blaine's presence, solid and secure even after all these years, attached forever to this place by their shared memories. He smiles and walks on.

The years pass by with joy and pain, laughter and tears, and they witness dozens of people walking in and out of their lives, family, friends and lovers, but somehow, they always find themselves on the small platform facing the ancient waterfall in the end, sharing stories and memories until the early hours of morning, and each time they have to leave, they leave with smiles on their faces.

The last time he makes it to Gullfoss alive, he already knows what lies ahead. His health has slowly been sliding away for a couple of years, and he holds on securely to Elizabeth's hand. _I'll be with you soon, love_, he thinks and closes his eyes, because there has never, ever been anyone in his life he'd rather be with when it comes to forever.

~oOo~

They arrive on the small platform facing the giant waterfall at sunrise.

It's late in the year, but the gentle beams of the December sun are bathing the scenery in the same golden glow as always, the snow glittering and glimmering on the frozen ground all around them like a blanket of pure silk.

They step towards the edge one by one, wrapped up in coats and scarves against the cold of the Icelandic winter, and open the small boxes to release Kurt's ashes into the icy waters below.

When Elizabeth steps forward, she closes her eyes, inhaling the clear cold air and listening to the sounds of the water passing through ancient rocks and blocks of ice, more slowly than in the summer months but just as determined, and she knows she should probably be breaking down in tears, but somehow can't bring herself to, because this feels far too much like coming home.

She opens her eyes to the gentle beams of the winter sun and blinks a single tear away, holding on to her children's hands securely.

Just as the party is about to leave, her 5-year-old son laughs and points towards a small rainbow that has appeared where the last parts of Kurt's ashes have vanished in the rushing waters below. "Look, Mom! Grandpa's here!"

"Yes, sweetheart. He's home now. They both are."

She smiles and starts singing quietly,

_Time for us to part now, we won't say goodbye;_

_Look for me in rainbows, shining in the sky._

_Every waking moment, and all your whole life through_

_Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you._

FIN


End file.
